What I Learned When I Was in Bintulu Last Week

(...background soundtrack by George Micheal - Freedom! '90...)

I had a very interesting journey going back to the place where I started off my career. This was where I learned the through meaning of Independence. Why you say? Well I had spent most of time in close proximity to my parents. So at the back of my head, I have my security blanket in which I can easily fallback to in the time of needs.

However, being apart by the South China Sea was a good thing in my opinion. It jerked me off my comfort level and being thrown in the deep to survive. I think I did not do that bad...again this is just my opinion.

Anyways back to the context of this entry. I went there to work on something but on top of getting it sorted out, I also had been surprised of the additional things that I have gained as well. This all happened when I met up with one of my closest friend there.

I used to know him as a pretty 'naughty' which was fun. However lately, I sensed that he might have changed to the better. Well, I am right as indeed he has changed for the better and I am happy for him. He is know more reserved. I believe as human being, this is what I would like to be.

We had two dinner sessions and I am happy to say that the topic of discussion is pretty enlightening. We talked about religion and life. I am so happy for it because I believe I have gained few new perspective about life in the context of Islam. This got me thinking that dakwah doesn't necessary mean that it need to be in the mosque or in any formal environment. Talking about religion in a very informal manner is a premise where those ideas are easily embraced.

After that lovely discussion, my brain went into over drive thinking about the whole idea of Islam that it should not be separated from every day life. Then I got a few points to ponder:

• Why are there people that do not practice what they preach?
• By asking the first question, what went wrong?

I have encountered this type of people in real life when they project that they are religious but when it is required for them to do so, they become totally different. Why is that? Why do people still not knowing the true meaning of Islam although they projects that they are more well verse in Islam compared to others?

One thing that bothers me is hypocracy. But it is not my place to say anything or is it? They do not really teach you in school how to manage this. Seriously I feel socially inempt. But may the teaching of Islam would able to show me the way forward. I really hope so cause I am not sure how much longer I can keep quiet on the fakeness of others.

Will know what the outcome is...until next time...

Starting Fresh...

(...background soundtrack by Birdy - Skinny Love...)

It has been 2 years since I posted anything. I thought they have disabled my blog, but to my surprise it is still ALIVE!!!!

Like I said 2 years has passed since my posting and suddenly today I feel the need to write something. I am not sure what gotten into me, but maybe turning 30 last Wednesday had me thinking of the years that I have been on God's earth and what have I achieved.

Certain colleagues told me that, "No! You should not think like that. It is showing that you are not grateful of what Allah has given you". Is this true?!! I thought the whole idea of being here as Allah's servant is to keep asking these questions:

What have done so far as Allah's servant?

I have a strong conviction to believe that this is what every person on earth should ask. Yes in my case it can be a bit depressing, but I believe that this could make you want to strive more to be a better person.

I believe the sudden melancholia surrounding me is because I have been grounded by a certain turn of event. An event that I wish I never known. This really put perspective to the phrase, "Ignorance is bliss".

As a pessimist it is difficult to believe in the bright side. Not impossible but difficult. It is just the nature of the pessimist to always to expect bad news and whenever something good happen, we are so awkward and clumsy emotionally.

So it is difficult to be positive when you know at the back of your mind that nothing good will happen to you. I am so fucked up! LOL!

Now, after all that has happened, I am trying my best to find the silver lining. A friend told me, "Start the fire. If the fire is dying, throw anything into it to ensure that the fire keeps on burning". I do believe that, and this is what I am doing by writing today. To keep the fire burning.

I think that I need to believe that I am here on earth is to be a good servant to Allah. Along the way the materials gathered are just tool to be good servant. By knowing what I know now from the turn of event, I should believe that Allah has plans for me and only he knows what best for me. 

What I need to do is to keep Him close and continue to strive to be the best that I could be.

Until next time... 

   

Tough Times Do Not Last, But Tough People Does

(...background soundtrack by Kylie Minogue - Can't Get You Out Of My Head...)

Yeah yeah I know that this time around the background music is so 'house' but I kind of like it. It is one of those guilty pleasures.

Anyways back to the topic. This statement or phrase came across while I was browsing through Facebook. One of my friends wrote this as his status. It describe perfectly the situation that I am in at the moment.

Have you ever felt the burden of living up to certain expectations? Well I have in the past where as the principal's son, I am expected to behave and perform academically at the highest of standards. It was a stressful moment in my life but it do not come close to what I am feeling at the moment. Still in the flashback, it was so stressful that I had migraine when I was in Primary 6. On top of that, I need medication to cope with my stress. How awesome was my childhood?

It was from bad to worse when in the university years, where I was even once hospitalized. But all in all, I still have that fighting spirit of never ever giving up.

Fast forward to the exact moment where I am now. The pressure and stress are piling up. Great things are expected of me. I have not felt to the extend where I need medication like previously but I started to feel the tenseness in my neck and shoulders, as if the weight of the world is on it. The only different thing this time, I feel like giving up. I keep on asking myself why?

I still have not figured it out, but I believe is because I am afraid of failing. It sucks to fail. Quoting Thomas A. Edison, "I have not failed. I have found 10,000 ways that won't work". This is a matter of perception. If you as optimistic as he was, then you would believe it. But I am the total opposite of that. So how do you change a perception which is cultivated when you were small?

The way forward to this, I believe, I need to find that fire again. I need to be strong to face the storm and need to stop thinking of the outcome.

Note to self: Do what you think is right and fuck the rest!

Ciao!

On The Verge of Breaking Down

(...background soundtrack by Shontelle - Impossible...)

It has been almost two months since my last entry. A lot had happened! Mixed feelings to put in a way. Happy that finally my management realized that we cannot afford to loose our people to the others. Happy beyond words as I had reached a BIG milestone, which many people in my organization had not even dreamed off all their working life. Sad that a good friend is leaving the company as he decided that he can no longer be apart from his family. Angry that everybody is so damn grossed up in trying to get good ratings by jeopardizing the integrity of the company.

Have been through so many difficult situations, bitch about it and move on. However, this time around I cannot get over it. I am just so angry beyond words that I believe it has manifested into physical pain. At this moment of this entry, I am having the most aggravating migraine. Why am I so affected with all the craziness?

Most of the people that I came across, seems to believe that it is business as usual but the truth to the matter is, we are in downward spiral and I am afraid we are not going to recover. Taking all this and it seems that I cannot hold in any longer.

Yesterday, in the most daring career suicide ever, I just had to speak up and highlight it to my management. How will this affect my career? Wait and see my entry at the end of this financial year.

So this is how it feels to almost break down. It is not an awesome feeling.

Dear God,

I am just your servant on this Earth and is helpless unless I am under Your grace. Please grant me strength to get through this situation. Please God, grant me the wisdom to be able to contribute more to my organization as this is for the good of all. Amin!

Ciao!

Mundane

(...background music "Chasing Pavements" by Adele...)

It is a long weekend here in Bintulu. When I say long, if you were to take 2 days off next week, you will be spending one and half weeks on leave. Isn't it awesome? Well yours truly, didn't take the much needed rest just because there is a lot need to be done and completed.

With great power, comes great responsibility. A phrase that well describe the situation I am in at the moment. Last month, I have been promoted to a senior position in a way. So, I am expected to live to the expectations. On top of that, I need to rise to the occasion as I have been told of my appraisal rating. A bitter sweet situation. Let me put it this way, not many people has achieved this rating. Did I deserve it? If this was asked to me, my answer would be NO! But as my boss told me, the management saw something else. Hope it is the contribution and not the persona.

Overwhelm, would be an understatement to describe the feeling. I am to the point of emotionally and physically paralyzed with the current situation. So, how am I supposed to move forward? I am not sure, I have tried taken breaks, but it was not successful. I am still in the rut.

So what's next? I believe I cannot take this psycho babble and it is time for tough love. The phrase that I like to use, "Suck it up and move on". At the end of the day, I shouldn't be disappointing people who have given me opportunities upon opportunities to grow as person. A lot of thinking need to be put into place.

With that I have made a conscious decision not go back during this long break and to catch up or even finish as much work as possible. After finishing what I have to do, I will start on certain projects that would make me more happy. What will it be? I am not sure. Just wait and see.

Ciao!

The Power of Words

(...background music Travie MacCoy - Billionaire...)

Indeed it has been sometime I post an entry to my blog. It is not because I have nothing to bitch about, it is just that I am so effing lazy. Basically tonight I force myself to post this entry. The reason behind it, is just there is so much things going through my mind that I need to release a few so that I can feel much more calm.

Anyways, this entry is about words. There is a saying that, "The pen is mightier than the sword". Too many belief it is true. This idea of talking about this subject is because I came across this episode of "Oprah" where she was interviewing Jay-Z. There was a point in the discussion that both disagree about something. The disagreement was on the usage of the N word.

According to Oprah, it should never ever be used as it is so degrading and just plain obscene. On the contrary, Jay-Z said that the N word is only powerful, if we acknowledge its power. It got me thinking, who is right on this subject matter?

Does this mean that any degrading words, if we do not acknowledge its meaning, it is just like any other normal word e.g. Hello? Or regardless whether the acknowledgment is there or not, an obscene word is an obscene word?

I am actually still unable to answer this. Maybe someone can provide their two cents?

Ciao!

I Am Turning Out to be The Person I Hate The Most

(...background music; Leona Lewis - Run...)

People think that being in my place it is easy. They thought that everything is easy for me. What's up with this entry? Well this is because currently I am going through my appraisal. It is the time when people start to justify why they should get the best rating. It also the time when a group of people will start to paint a great picture on their accomplishment but instead they have done nothing. I FUCKING HATE THOSE PEOPLE!!!

Unfortunately, based on my unofficial survey, I have become one of those fuckers! This really saddens me. This all happened when I asked people to be honest with me by asking them, "What rating should I get?" I am OK with honesty saying that, "I believe based on my observation, you are just meeting expectations". I am fine with that statement because I know that I have done nothing much this year. But the most hurtful part is when it seems that majority of the people think that I have been rewarded all this while just because the highest management knows me. That made all the blood, sweat and tears that I have given to my work all this while to be worthless.

The truth is, I never asked for any of this to happen to me. I never wanted the highest of the management to know who I am. It is just happened. I had a feeling that this is what most people felt about my success all this while (because management know who I am), but to hear it is the most hurtful I have ever felt so far in my career. "Well if you are being put as a just meeting expectations, how about the rest? This is because we will be compared to you. So, in a way you have to be exceed expectations (subtext: even though you are not), for us to be exceeding expectations".

I am deeply sadden by this. I seriously don't know what to do? God, please give me strength.

Ciao!