(...background soundtrack by Kylie Minogue - Can't Get You Out Of My Head...)
Yeah yeah I know that this time around the background music is so 'house' but I kind of like it. It is one of those guilty pleasures.
Anyways back to the topic. This statement or phrase came across while I was browsing through Facebook. One of my friends wrote this as his status. It describe perfectly the situation that I am in at the moment.
Have you ever felt the burden of living up to certain expectations? Well I have in the past where as the principal's son, I am expected to behave and perform academically at the highest of standards. It was a stressful moment in my life but it do not come close to what I am feeling at the moment. Still in the flashback, it was so stressful that I had migraine when I was in Primary 6. On top of that, I need medication to cope with my stress. How awesome was my childhood?
It was from bad to worse when in the university years, where I was even once hospitalized. But all in all, I still have that fighting spirit of never ever giving up.
Fast forward to the exact moment where I am now. The pressure and stress are piling up. Great things are expected of me. I have not felt to the extend where I need medication like previously but I started to feel the tenseness in my neck and shoulders, as if the weight of the world is on it. The only different thing this time, I feel like giving up. I keep on asking myself why?
I still have not figured it out, but I believe is because I am afraid of failing. It sucks to fail. Quoting Thomas A. Edison, "I have not failed. I have found 10,000 ways that won't work". This is a matter of perception. If you as optimistic as he was, then you would believe it. But I am the total opposite of that. So how do you change a perception which is cultivated when you were small?
The way forward to this, I believe, I need to find that fire again. I need to be strong to face the storm and need to stop thinking of the outcome.
Note to self: Do what you think is right and fuck the rest!
Ciao!
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
Mundane
(...background music "Chasing Pavements" by Adele...)
It is a long weekend here in Bintulu. When I say long, if you were to take 2 days off next week, you will be spending one and half weeks on leave. Isn't it awesome? Well yours truly, didn't take the much needed rest just because there is a lot need to be done and completed.
With great power, comes great responsibility. A phrase that well describe the situation I am in at the moment. Last month, I have been promoted to a senior position in a way. So, I am expected to live to the expectations. On top of that, I need to rise to the occasion as I have been told of my appraisal rating. A bitter sweet situation. Let me put it this way, not many people has achieved this rating. Did I deserve it? If this was asked to me, my answer would be NO! But as my boss told me, the management saw something else. Hope it is the contribution and not the persona.
Overwhelm, would be an understatement to describe the feeling. I am to the point of emotionally and physically paralyzed with the current situation. So, how am I supposed to move forward? I am not sure, I have tried taken breaks, but it was not successful. I am still in the rut.
So what's next? I believe I cannot take this psycho babble and it is time for tough love. The phrase that I like to use, "Suck it up and move on". At the end of the day, I shouldn't be disappointing people who have given me opportunities upon opportunities to grow as person. A lot of thinking need to be put into place.
With that I have made a conscious decision not go back during this long break and to catch up or even finish as much work as possible. After finishing what I have to do, I will start on certain projects that would make me more happy. What will it be? I am not sure. Just wait and see.
Ciao!
It is a long weekend here in Bintulu. When I say long, if you were to take 2 days off next week, you will be spending one and half weeks on leave. Isn't it awesome? Well yours truly, didn't take the much needed rest just because there is a lot need to be done and completed.
With great power, comes great responsibility. A phrase that well describe the situation I am in at the moment. Last month, I have been promoted to a senior position in a way. So, I am expected to live to the expectations. On top of that, I need to rise to the occasion as I have been told of my appraisal rating. A bitter sweet situation. Let me put it this way, not many people has achieved this rating. Did I deserve it? If this was asked to me, my answer would be NO! But as my boss told me, the management saw something else. Hope it is the contribution and not the persona.
Overwhelm, would be an understatement to describe the feeling. I am to the point of emotionally and physically paralyzed with the current situation. So, how am I supposed to move forward? I am not sure, I have tried taken breaks, but it was not successful. I am still in the rut.
So what's next? I believe I cannot take this psycho babble and it is time for tough love. The phrase that I like to use, "Suck it up and move on". At the end of the day, I shouldn't be disappointing people who have given me opportunities upon opportunities to grow as person. A lot of thinking need to be put into place.
With that I have made a conscious decision not go back during this long break and to catch up or even finish as much work as possible. After finishing what I have to do, I will start on certain projects that would make me more happy. What will it be? I am not sure. Just wait and see.
Ciao!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
The Power of Words
(...background music Travie MacCoy - Billionaire...)
Indeed it has been sometime I post an entry to my blog. It is not because I have nothing to bitch about, it is just that I am so effing lazy. Basically tonight I force myself to post this entry. The reason behind it, is just there is so much things going through my mind that I need to release a few so that I can feel much more calm.
Anyways, this entry is about words. There is a saying that, "The pen is mightier than the sword". Too many belief it is true. This idea of talking about this subject is because I came across this episode of "Oprah" where she was interviewing Jay-Z. There was a point in the discussion that both disagree about something. The disagreement was on the usage of the N word.
According to Oprah, it should never ever be used as it is so degrading and just plain obscene. On the contrary, Jay-Z said that the N word is only powerful, if we acknowledge its power. It got me thinking, who is right on this subject matter?
Does this mean that any degrading words, if we do not acknowledge its meaning, it is just like any other normal word e.g. Hello? Or regardless whether the acknowledgment is there or not, an obscene word is an obscene word?
I am actually still unable to answer this. Maybe someone can provide their two cents?
Ciao!
Indeed it has been sometime I post an entry to my blog. It is not because I have nothing to bitch about, it is just that I am so effing lazy. Basically tonight I force myself to post this entry. The reason behind it, is just there is so much things going through my mind that I need to release a few so that I can feel much more calm.
Anyways, this entry is about words. There is a saying that, "The pen is mightier than the sword". Too many belief it is true. This idea of talking about this subject is because I came across this episode of "Oprah" where she was interviewing Jay-Z. There was a point in the discussion that both disagree about something. The disagreement was on the usage of the N word.
According to Oprah, it should never ever be used as it is so degrading and just plain obscene. On the contrary, Jay-Z said that the N word is only powerful, if we acknowledge its power. It got me thinking, who is right on this subject matter?
Does this mean that any degrading words, if we do not acknowledge its meaning, it is just like any other normal word e.g. Hello? Or regardless whether the acknowledgment is there or not, an obscene word is an obscene word?
I am actually still unable to answer this. Maybe someone can provide their two cents?
Ciao!
Monday, January 18, 2010
It's Marathon, Not A Sprint
It is sometimes very enlightening when you have a discussion or conversation on life with the old and the wise. I meant in a very respective manner when I say 'the old'. This is because, you tend to learn more about life and its surprises through them.
I always have this heart-to-heart discussion with my mentor. He is my guide on life and also about work. So we had one conversation that I believe will always resonate with me through my life. As I mentioned earlier in my previous entry, I faced one of the difficult failures of my life. I am a very competitive person and what ever people can do, I am determined to do it better. Unfortunately on this particular moment others did better than I do.
My frustration and disappointment were sensed by my mentor. Rather to comfort me he said the most shocking statement. "Good that this happened to you", he said to me. I was flabbergasted. When I have regained myself from the shock, I asked him, "Why?".
Then like those Hallmark moments that you saw on the telly between father and son, he shared his wisdom with me. He told me that in my infant years working with this universally-known multinational company, he noticed that I have obtained successes equal to those that worked a lifetime. He explained that this moment of failure is good as it builds character. This is because he said, "A true successful person, will be able to pick himself up and achieve better success from the failure that he faced".
It was hard to comprehend at that moment as I was in the moment of 'mourning' so to speak. I was in the moment 'where the world is not fair' and 'I deserve this'. However after settling down, it seriously struck me that it is actually true. This is because, if you only face the ups in life, you will never appreciate it. The downs will make us more appreciative of the ups. Furthermore when you come out from the downs and be successful, that is the most blissful feeling ever.
As he continue to pour his take on life, he said to me, "This is a marathon, not a sprint". It does not mean that if you continue to achieve success after success, you will be a definite winner in the end. You may end up running out of breathe and do not reach the finish line. The winners are those who has the 'stamina' to endure every challenges thrown and reached the finish line. So the question is, do you want to tackle life or work as a marathon or a sprint? The answer is in your hands.
Ciao!
I always have this heart-to-heart discussion with my mentor. He is my guide on life and also about work. So we had one conversation that I believe will always resonate with me through my life. As I mentioned earlier in my previous entry, I faced one of the difficult failures of my life. I am a very competitive person and what ever people can do, I am determined to do it better. Unfortunately on this particular moment others did better than I do.
My frustration and disappointment were sensed by my mentor. Rather to comfort me he said the most shocking statement. "Good that this happened to you", he said to me. I was flabbergasted. When I have regained myself from the shock, I asked him, "Why?".
Then like those Hallmark moments that you saw on the telly between father and son, he shared his wisdom with me. He told me that in my infant years working with this universally-known multinational company, he noticed that I have obtained successes equal to those that worked a lifetime. He explained that this moment of failure is good as it builds character. This is because he said, "A true successful person, will be able to pick himself up and achieve better success from the failure that he faced".
It was hard to comprehend at that moment as I was in the moment of 'mourning' so to speak. I was in the moment 'where the world is not fair' and 'I deserve this'. However after settling down, it seriously struck me that it is actually true. This is because, if you only face the ups in life, you will never appreciate it. The downs will make us more appreciative of the ups. Furthermore when you come out from the downs and be successful, that is the most blissful feeling ever.
As he continue to pour his take on life, he said to me, "This is a marathon, not a sprint". It does not mean that if you continue to achieve success after success, you will be a definite winner in the end. You may end up running out of breathe and do not reach the finish line. The winners are those who has the 'stamina' to endure every challenges thrown and reached the finish line. So the question is, do you want to tackle life or work as a marathon or a sprint? The answer is in your hands.
Ciao!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Why Have I Lost It?
The year 2010 means a lot in the sense that this represent the 5th year I worked with this multinational company. However, this is also the most mind-boggling year ever. This is because I believe I have lost it.
I was reminiscing the 1st year I stepped foot in the world of working for a living. The 1st world was the most awesome year ever. This is because this was the year where I was eager to learn, eager to do anything even photostatting documents in other words, I would do anything. The key word is EAGER.
Over the years, I felt something different. I felt as if I have achieved everything out there. This was something that my superior worry. We are pretty close and we tend to discuss about life. He warned me of achieving everything in a short time. It will tend to diminish what is important in someone's life which is the DRIVE.
If I were to grade my drive during the 1st year, I would say it was a freaking perfect score of 10. However this year, the 5th year, I felt it is mere a 4. I am not trying to be cocky, but this is a fact.
So this year, I am determined to find it again. I need to find it. I need to find the feeling that I felt during that 1st year. GOD, give me the strength.
Ciao!
I was reminiscing the 1st year I stepped foot in the world of working for a living. The 1st world was the most awesome year ever. This is because this was the year where I was eager to learn, eager to do anything even photostatting documents in other words, I would do anything. The key word is EAGER.
Over the years, I felt something different. I felt as if I have achieved everything out there. This was something that my superior worry. We are pretty close and we tend to discuss about life. He warned me of achieving everything in a short time. It will tend to diminish what is important in someone's life which is the DRIVE.
If I were to grade my drive during the 1st year, I would say it was a freaking perfect score of 10. However this year, the 5th year, I felt it is mere a 4. I am not trying to be cocky, but this is a fact.
So this year, I am determined to find it again. I need to find it. I need to find the feeling that I felt during that 1st year. GOD, give me the strength.
Ciao!
Friday, January 8, 2010
History Is There For A Reason
There is currently tension in the country. Some 'educated' people has made the worst decision in his or her life. Why would not people think of the repercussion of the decision that they made on a bigger scale? Why must people still touch on sensitive issues, when it was clearly stated earlier in the building this nation?
Freedom of speech? What a bunch of bull crap! People need to be aware of their surrounding and not be selfish. Now look what happened! Argh! I am so fucking pissed off of people who thinks that they have all the right in the world to do what they want.
Guys, reflect back on 13th May 1969. The darkest day in our country's history. Do we want that to happen again? Are we going to celebrate the 40th year of the incident by a bigger incident?
So I am begging people, stop doing things that could jeopardize the peace.
God, please let the peace to continue. Amin.
Ciao!
Freedom of speech? What a bunch of bull crap! People need to be aware of their surrounding and not be selfish. Now look what happened! Argh! I am so fucking pissed off of people who thinks that they have all the right in the world to do what they want.
Guys, reflect back on 13th May 1969. The darkest day in our country's history. Do we want that to happen again? Are we going to celebrate the 40th year of the incident by a bigger incident?
So I am begging people, stop doing things that could jeopardize the peace.
God, please let the peace to continue. Amin.
Ciao!
Monday, January 4, 2010
I Am In Mourning
There is no way understanding life. As you thought that you are much wiser and understand life better as you grow older, there will still be surprises lurking behind the corner to throw you off. Well today's event is no different.
Conversation through the telephone early this morning (with some details omitted):
Friend: Hey, have you heard the news?
Me: What?
Friend: X's wife passed away this morning.
Me: (...paused...) OH MY GOD!
As a Muslim you are always taught that life and death has been determined for each and everyone of us. In other words, it doesn't mean that you will not die at a young age. But as typical human beings, we tend to believe that we will only die when we are old. The news that I received today was really a wake up call. If my time comes tomorrow, will I be ready to face my Maker? The truthful answer is NO! Unfortunately although I know all this, but I am still not doing much to ensure that I have done enough. This is going to be on top of my list this year.
On top of that, it made me realize that life is damn short. We tend to procrastinate things, especially saying "I LOVE YOU" to the ones we love. Another thing on my list this year.
All in all, my heart goes out to my friend, his daughter and family. Be strong my dear friend as God loves her more. You and your sweet daughter will always be in my prayers.
Ciao!
Conversation through the telephone early this morning (with some details omitted):
Friend: Hey, have you heard the news?
Me: What?
Friend: X's wife passed away this morning.
Me: (...paused...) OH MY GOD!
As a Muslim you are always taught that life and death has been determined for each and everyone of us. In other words, it doesn't mean that you will not die at a young age. But as typical human beings, we tend to believe that we will only die when we are old. The news that I received today was really a wake up call. If my time comes tomorrow, will I be ready to face my Maker? The truthful answer is NO! Unfortunately although I know all this, but I am still not doing much to ensure that I have done enough. This is going to be on top of my list this year.
On top of that, it made me realize that life is damn short. We tend to procrastinate things, especially saying "I LOVE YOU" to the ones we love. Another thing on my list this year.
All in all, my heart goes out to my friend, his daughter and family. Be strong my dear friend as God loves her more. You and your sweet daughter will always be in my prayers.
Ciao!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Why Am I Unable To Do Anything Right?
(...background music by Duffy's Stepping Stone...)
I just keep on screwing up this year. It all started early this year where I had a 'promotion' assessment in which I was unable to make it through. Not to sound conceded, but I had the hardest for that. But it is just not my luck.
Then, later in the year when I was moved to a new position, I had all the ideas in making it better than before. Was I a dumb-ass! I was not able to do what I have intended to do but also I am unable to cope with the demand.
Then I have made a few silly decisions where had caused loss to my company and today was like the grand finale in which I made the stupidest decision without thinking it through. I am so upset with myself right now that I feel like screaming at the top of my lung.
Why am I unable to do anything right? Yeah I know that as human beings we have flaws but I am just disappointed with myself especially when I saw that my junior is progressing way better and faster than I am. And I am still where I am four years ago.
Dear GOD,
I am just lost at the moment and I need some guiding light. I am helpless at the moment and I hope that YOU hear my plea.
Sincerely,
Fikri
Ciao!
I just keep on screwing up this year. It all started early this year where I had a 'promotion' assessment in which I was unable to make it through. Not to sound conceded, but I had the hardest for that. But it is just not my luck.
Then, later in the year when I was moved to a new position, I had all the ideas in making it better than before. Was I a dumb-ass! I was not able to do what I have intended to do but also I am unable to cope with the demand.
Then I have made a few silly decisions where had caused loss to my company and today was like the grand finale in which I made the stupidest decision without thinking it through. I am so upset with myself right now that I feel like screaming at the top of my lung.
Why am I unable to do anything right? Yeah I know that as human beings we have flaws but I am just disappointed with myself especially when I saw that my junior is progressing way better and faster than I am. And I am still where I am four years ago.
Dear GOD,
I am just lost at the moment and I need some guiding light. I am helpless at the moment and I hope that YOU hear my plea.
Sincerely,
Fikri
Ciao!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
The Truth Behind Stereotypes
(...background music by Keri Hilson's, 'Knock You Down'...)
We are always being generalized into categories and often we do not like it. Like for example, "Malays are lazy". Can you imagine the amount of people that is going to dislike this statement? However, the origin of these 'categories' must came from some incident in history or is it just some propaganda by a certain group of people who wish to see the demise of others?
So, I came across this hilarious video on Youtube from Singapore. The video is performed by a famous stand up comedian from Singapore who is a drag queen. Well to those that get easily offended, it is not for you. As I was curious with the video, I keep on watching all the available videos. To me this person is clever in the sense that he managed to push the boundaries of race sensitivity without going overboard and sound vulgar.
As I was watching there were a few comments related to the Malays (as I am one) which to me are true. This is related to the fact that the majority of people doing rehab is the Malay. The ones that is still behind in the economy and also education is also the Malay. If this such a statement is being made in our country, definitely there is going to be hell to pay! The Malay will go to the streets and cause commotion to express their anger. There will also be harsh statements being made in the media condemning the insensitivity of the stand up comedian towards other race.
Don't get me wrong. I am proud to be Malay but please step back and look at the big picture. Are we, the Malays, really improving our way of living whether economy or education? Why is it that we need to have a certain 'advantage' then we are able to be competitive?
Therefore before we go get all emotional, please ask ourselves whether are we really OK? and also what can I contribute to help our own race? Please have a perspective on the current condition and ask yourselves whether you are capable to stand on your own two feet?
Ciao!
We are always being generalized into categories and often we do not like it. Like for example, "Malays are lazy". Can you imagine the amount of people that is going to dislike this statement? However, the origin of these 'categories' must came from some incident in history or is it just some propaganda by a certain group of people who wish to see the demise of others?
So, I came across this hilarious video on Youtube from Singapore. The video is performed by a famous stand up comedian from Singapore who is a drag queen. Well to those that get easily offended, it is not for you. As I was curious with the video, I keep on watching all the available videos. To me this person is clever in the sense that he managed to push the boundaries of race sensitivity without going overboard and sound vulgar.
As I was watching there were a few comments related to the Malays (as I am one) which to me are true. This is related to the fact that the majority of people doing rehab is the Malay. The ones that is still behind in the economy and also education is also the Malay. If this such a statement is being made in our country, definitely there is going to be hell to pay! The Malay will go to the streets and cause commotion to express their anger. There will also be harsh statements being made in the media condemning the insensitivity of the stand up comedian towards other race.
Don't get me wrong. I am proud to be Malay but please step back and look at the big picture. Are we, the Malays, really improving our way of living whether economy or education? Why is it that we need to have a certain 'advantage' then we are able to be competitive?
Therefore before we go get all emotional, please ask ourselves whether are we really OK? and also what can I contribute to help our own race? Please have a perspective on the current condition and ask yourselves whether you are capable to stand on your own two feet?
Ciao!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Empathy
(...background music by Taylor Swift's You Belong With Me...)
Ramadhan is here again. I am all excited (although I did not really show it) about the arrival of the holiest of all the months. I truly believe in doing things sincerely to get God's blessings (not making excuses) and not just because everyone is doing it. But I have started with the fasting but the other 'side dishes' is yet to come. So today, will try my best to perform Tarawikh and also the reciting of Quran.
So, in conjunction with this month, I was thinking on writing this topic (which I have thought for a long time). It is just about feeling empathy about people around us. This got me thinking as I was caught in the most awkward situation. For those who are not familiar, the place where I work, we are provided transportation to go from one place to another in our working premises. Basically these van drivers are at our backing call.
So in this one scenario, where I was in the van together with a colleague of mine were in the van talking until we reached to our destination. At the stop, I went down and said thank you to the driver and also threw a smile at the driver. The driver reciprocate with a nod and a smile also. As we walked to the door, this colleague asked a question, "Why did you say thank you?". I was liked, "Why? Is it wrong to say that?". The person replied, "No. Why say thank you to someone who is actually doing what he is being paid for?". Cricket.....cricket....
What the fudge?!!! I was dumbfounded by that statement. Believe it or not, these service providers are also human beings with feelings and issues (although they are being paid for). We will bitch like hell, if we were under appreciated by our superiors saying that, "The boss does not understands me" or "He is an a-hole for not rewarding my hard work" etc...
I believe this is what lacking in our society. We need to be more empathetic to the other people and stop being a self-indulgence-narcissistic-bitch all the time. Try to recall the feeling of being appreciated by others and try to reciprocate to the rest of the world. Basically, pay it forward. If we truly want to change the world, this to me is the easiest way to start.
Ciao!
Ramadhan is here again. I am all excited (although I did not really show it) about the arrival of the holiest of all the months. I truly believe in doing things sincerely to get God's blessings (not making excuses) and not just because everyone is doing it. But I have started with the fasting but the other 'side dishes' is yet to come. So today, will try my best to perform Tarawikh and also the reciting of Quran.
So, in conjunction with this month, I was thinking on writing this topic (which I have thought for a long time). It is just about feeling empathy about people around us. This got me thinking as I was caught in the most awkward situation. For those who are not familiar, the place where I work, we are provided transportation to go from one place to another in our working premises. Basically these van drivers are at our backing call.
So in this one scenario, where I was in the van together with a colleague of mine were in the van talking until we reached to our destination. At the stop, I went down and said thank you to the driver and also threw a smile at the driver. The driver reciprocate with a nod and a smile also. As we walked to the door, this colleague asked a question, "Why did you say thank you?". I was liked, "Why? Is it wrong to say that?". The person replied, "No. Why say thank you to someone who is actually doing what he is being paid for?". Cricket.....cricket....
What the fudge?!!! I was dumbfounded by that statement. Believe it or not, these service providers are also human beings with feelings and issues (although they are being paid for). We will bitch like hell, if we were under appreciated by our superiors saying that, "The boss does not understands me" or "He is an a-hole for not rewarding my hard work" etc...
I believe this is what lacking in our society. We need to be more empathetic to the other people and stop being a self-indulgence-narcissistic-bitch all the time. Try to recall the feeling of being appreciated by others and try to reciprocate to the rest of the world. Basically, pay it forward. If we truly want to change the world, this to me is the easiest way to start.
Ciao!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Invinciblility
(...background music courtesy of Kelly Clarkson, 'Already Gone'...)
Lately I have been arrogant and also egoistic. This is not the kind of person that I am striving to be. This never crossed my mind until today...
Today something happened to me which was kind of stupid. Not the thing that I should do. But due to the idea that I am invincible, I did it anyway. Well was I in for a surprise. I was finally caught and that was really embarrassing.
Contemplating on the incident will not help me to grow as a human being. What I need to do is try to learn from it. At the end of the day, how well known you are, there are still people who does not care about your star power. Salute the person who did his job and shame on me for not following the rules.
My pledge from today onwards is to walk the talk. I need to!
Ciao!
Lately I have been arrogant and also egoistic. This is not the kind of person that I am striving to be. This never crossed my mind until today...
Today something happened to me which was kind of stupid. Not the thing that I should do. But due to the idea that I am invincible, I did it anyway. Well was I in for a surprise. I was finally caught and that was really embarrassing.
Contemplating on the incident will not help me to grow as a human being. What I need to do is try to learn from it. At the end of the day, how well known you are, there are still people who does not care about your star power. Salute the person who did his job and shame on me for not following the rules.
My pledge from today onwards is to walk the talk. I need to!
Ciao!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
How Do I Move From Here?
(...background music "Mama Do by Pixie Lott"...)
As you go on the journey of exploring every angle of life, you would think that you have figured everything out. You would tell yourself that life is so routine that you are getting bored. But the universe has the tendency to throw you a curve ball from time to time. And when this happens, you are either prepared or not. In my case it was so fast that I was still in denial towards this moment of writing this.
When the ball approaches you, it was something off guard. Therefore it raises the question, "should I go through life worrying that something will go wrong or believe that what happens have its reasons?". Although what happened did not affect me directly but it does until now traumatize me. The vision is still playing in my head, haunts me. There will be moments in a day that I felt a pool of tears building up.
So, how do I move from here? Will everything be back to normal? What is normal anyways? As I am good at putting a brave face as to ensure to all that I am fine, but I am not sure until when I can suppress all this.
Ciao!
As you go on the journey of exploring every angle of life, you would think that you have figured everything out. You would tell yourself that life is so routine that you are getting bored. But the universe has the tendency to throw you a curve ball from time to time. And when this happens, you are either prepared or not. In my case it was so fast that I was still in denial towards this moment of writing this.
When the ball approaches you, it was something off guard. Therefore it raises the question, "should I go through life worrying that something will go wrong or believe that what happens have its reasons?". Although what happened did not affect me directly but it does until now traumatize me. The vision is still playing in my head, haunts me. There will be moments in a day that I felt a pool of tears building up.
So, how do I move from here? Will everything be back to normal? What is normal anyways? As I am good at putting a brave face as to ensure to all that I am fine, but I am not sure until when I can suppress all this.
Ciao!
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Delayed Rage
(background music courtesy of Beyonce - Halo)
I have this issue of really knowing to express my anger in a much healthier way. Therefore I have something that what I call as 'delayed rage'. Out of the sudden when my suppression mechanism is not working maybe due to tiredness, overwhelm with work or etc, the things that I have suppressed will start to boil-off.
So yesterday was one of those days. Apparently when you suppressed a month worth of rage, you basically can become almost insane and tiring. I am still recovering from this emotional tiredness.
(background music courtesy of Kelly Clarkson - Already Gone)
I am the type of person where it is easy to suppress the rage as I am afraid that somebody will get offended. But I know that this is not healthy. The only way is to release it. But how do you release the anger without offending anyone? That is the difficult part.
What can I do is to throw my conscience to the wind and hope the universe will answer back.
Ciao!
I have this issue of really knowing to express my anger in a much healthier way. Therefore I have something that what I call as 'delayed rage'. Out of the sudden when my suppression mechanism is not working maybe due to tiredness, overwhelm with work or etc, the things that I have suppressed will start to boil-off.
So yesterday was one of those days. Apparently when you suppressed a month worth of rage, you basically can become almost insane and tiring. I am still recovering from this emotional tiredness.
(background music courtesy of Kelly Clarkson - Already Gone)
I am the type of person where it is easy to suppress the rage as I am afraid that somebody will get offended. But I know that this is not healthy. The only way is to release it. But how do you release the anger without offending anyone? That is the difficult part.
What can I do is to throw my conscience to the wind and hope the universe will answer back.
Ciao!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Another Weekend....
This weekend is not much different from any other weekend. Woke up, may or may not go for breakfast, brunch maybe, sit at home watching TV series or DVDs and wait for anyone to call for some outdoor activity. It is so freaking routine that the thought of committing suicide came across my mind a few times (kidding!).
When the thought of doing work i.e. actually office work would bring me out of my misery is the only way out of this tiredness, it shows that I am too long in this place. I need to 'refresh' myself.
I wonder when will the time come for me to get out of this routine? Just pray that it will come soon.
Ciao!
When the thought of doing work i.e. actually office work would bring me out of my misery is the only way out of this tiredness, it shows that I am too long in this place. I need to 'refresh' myself.
I wonder when will the time come for me to get out of this routine? Just pray that it will come soon.
Ciao!
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Another BBQ in Bintulu
Another successful BBQ in Bintulu. This would be my second BBQ this week as the first was done last weekend. It is pretty tiring but the payback is priceless. Each BBQ that was organized or co-organized, I never really eat to enjoy the food. This is because I pretty much tired of running here and there to ensure that everything is in order.
I mostly enjoy the company. Although we usually hang out during dinner at the same stall every single night, this will create a new ambiance for socializing. Tonight was no different from any other night. Last week was 'grown up' session. Well this week was when the 'juniors' are also around. So would expect all sorts of character, which was fun to watch.
The climax of the night in every BBQ, is playing charade. This to me is the highlight of staying in Bintulu. You can see all sort of 'suppressed' behaviors start to come out. The shy will bring down the wall and release all inhibitions. But the most entertaining of all, is when they tried act out the scene which damn hilarious.
If people were to ask me what will I remember the most about being in Bintulu, well the answer is pretty simple, having BBQ with friends.
Ciao!
I mostly enjoy the company. Although we usually hang out during dinner at the same stall every single night, this will create a new ambiance for socializing. Tonight was no different from any other night. Last week was 'grown up' session. Well this week was when the 'juniors' are also around. So would expect all sorts of character, which was fun to watch.
The climax of the night in every BBQ, is playing charade. This to me is the highlight of staying in Bintulu. You can see all sort of 'suppressed' behaviors start to come out. The shy will bring down the wall and release all inhibitions. But the most entertaining of all, is when they tried act out the scene which damn hilarious.
If people were to ask me what will I remember the most about being in Bintulu, well the answer is pretty simple, having BBQ with friends.
Ciao!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Crazy Crazy Crazy
Today was a hectic day although God knows what I have been doing.
It all started with the same routine of going to the morning meeting to update on the progress of this project I am attached to. Then went back to my workstation and saw this email from the GM's secretary saying that he urgently wanted to see me. At this moment in time the thing that went through my mind was, "Did I screw up anything?".
The appointment was at 9.30am. Unfortunately he had something urgent prior to this appointment and it dragged on to 10.30am. Then rushing the discussion with him as he needed to be somewhere in a few minutes. The first question he asked, "Are you fine with the arrangement?". My respond was, "Huh". I just could not digest what was the subject. The he started to explain further and I said yes.
With that 'yes', I have just committed myself to the biggest responsibility ever that I had to carry. Oh my. Only God knows how pressured I feel right now. But it is time for me to get out of my comfort zone and be out there. It is also a measure of how much value I have added to myself. Just need to work even harder.
Then later in the day, my boss asked me, "What just happened?". Then I found out the target of 3 months just disappeared. It shows that you can plan to a certain extend but at the end of the day, everything comes to what has already spelled out for you. The boss asked me to find out why did it happen? So tomorrow will be CSI mode.
So basically I have not contributed much but I felt every exhausted. This is still puzzling me. *sigh*
Ciao!
It all started with the same routine of going to the morning meeting to update on the progress of this project I am attached to. Then went back to my workstation and saw this email from the GM's secretary saying that he urgently wanted to see me. At this moment in time the thing that went through my mind was, "Did I screw up anything?".
The appointment was at 9.30am. Unfortunately he had something urgent prior to this appointment and it dragged on to 10.30am. Then rushing the discussion with him as he needed to be somewhere in a few minutes. The first question he asked, "Are you fine with the arrangement?". My respond was, "Huh". I just could not digest what was the subject. The he started to explain further and I said yes.
With that 'yes', I have just committed myself to the biggest responsibility ever that I had to carry. Oh my. Only God knows how pressured I feel right now. But it is time for me to get out of my comfort zone and be out there. It is also a measure of how much value I have added to myself. Just need to work even harder.
Then later in the day, my boss asked me, "What just happened?". Then I found out the target of 3 months just disappeared. It shows that you can plan to a certain extend but at the end of the day, everything comes to what has already spelled out for you. The boss asked me to find out why did it happen? So tomorrow will be CSI mode.
So basically I have not contributed much but I felt every exhausted. This is still puzzling me. *sigh*
Ciao!
Monday, July 20, 2009
I Am Torn
The saying is that, "Always give your best". Well sometimes it can bite you in the ass.
Giving it my all is always what I try to give in work. However, by doing so the expectations of people is so damn high that they start to think that you have no limitations. At the end of the day, I am only human. Therefore it is very stressful to be in this position.
The alternative is not to give it all. Make yourself not dependable and people will definitely leave you alone. But this is not acceptable as you are not fulfilling the responsibility given and how will you get the blessing from the Almighty?
So, what is the best way to handle this. Maybe as middle road, the word NO would be very useful. This is only useful if you have already identified what is the limitation that you have. With that you will be able to make sound decisions.
This is something that I believe we could work on together.
Ciao!
Giving it my all is always what I try to give in work. However, by doing so the expectations of people is so damn high that they start to think that you have no limitations. At the end of the day, I am only human. Therefore it is very stressful to be in this position.
The alternative is not to give it all. Make yourself not dependable and people will definitely leave you alone. But this is not acceptable as you are not fulfilling the responsibility given and how will you get the blessing from the Almighty?
So, what is the best way to handle this. Maybe as middle road, the word NO would be very useful. This is only useful if you have already identified what is the limitation that you have. With that you will be able to make sound decisions.
This is something that I believe we could work on together.
Ciao!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)