(...background soundtrack by Kylie Minogue - Can't Get You Out Of My Head...)
Yeah yeah I know that this time around the background music is so 'house' but I kind of like it. It is one of those guilty pleasures.
Anyways back to the topic. This statement or phrase came across while I was browsing through Facebook. One of my friends wrote this as his status. It describe perfectly the situation that I am in at the moment.
Have you ever felt the burden of living up to certain expectations? Well I have in the past where as the principal's son, I am expected to behave and perform academically at the highest of standards. It was a stressful moment in my life but it do not come close to what I am feeling at the moment. Still in the flashback, it was so stressful that I had migraine when I was in Primary 6. On top of that, I need medication to cope with my stress. How awesome was my childhood?
It was from bad to worse when in the university years, where I was even once hospitalized. But all in all, I still have that fighting spirit of never ever giving up.
Fast forward to the exact moment where I am now. The pressure and stress are piling up. Great things are expected of me. I have not felt to the extend where I need medication like previously but I started to feel the tenseness in my neck and shoulders, as if the weight of the world is on it. The only different thing this time, I feel like giving up. I keep on asking myself why?
I still have not figured it out, but I believe is because I am afraid of failing. It sucks to fail. Quoting Thomas A. Edison, "I have not failed. I have found 10,000 ways that won't work". This is a matter of perception. If you as optimistic as he was, then you would believe it. But I am the total opposite of that. So how do you change a perception which is cultivated when you were small?
The way forward to this, I believe, I need to find that fire again. I need to be strong to face the storm and need to stop thinking of the outcome.
Note to self: Do what you think is right and fuck the rest!
Ciao!
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
On The Verge of Breaking Down
(...background soundtrack by Shontelle - Impossible...)
It has been almost two months since my last entry. A lot had happened! Mixed feelings to put in a way. Happy that finally my management realized that we cannot afford to loose our people to the others. Happy beyond words as I had reached a BIG milestone, which many people in my organization had not even dreamed off all their working life. Sad that a good friend is leaving the company as he decided that he can no longer be apart from his family. Angry that everybody is so damn grossed up in trying to get good ratings by jeopardizing the integrity of the company.
Have been through so many difficult situations, bitch about it and move on. However, this time around I cannot get over it. I am just so angry beyond words that I believe it has manifested into physical pain. At this moment of this entry, I am having the most aggravating migraine. Why am I so affected with all the craziness?
Most of the people that I came across, seems to believe that it is business as usual but the truth to the matter is, we are in downward spiral and I am afraid we are not going to recover. Taking all this and it seems that I cannot hold in any longer.
Yesterday, in the most daring career suicide ever, I just had to speak up and highlight it to my management. How will this affect my career? Wait and see my entry at the end of this financial year.
So this is how it feels to almost break down. It is not an awesome feeling.
Dear God,
I am just your servant on this Earth and is helpless unless I am under Your grace. Please grant me strength to get through this situation. Please God, grant me the wisdom to be able to contribute more to my organization as this is for the good of all. Amin!
Ciao!
It has been almost two months since my last entry. A lot had happened! Mixed feelings to put in a way. Happy that finally my management realized that we cannot afford to loose our people to the others. Happy beyond words as I had reached a BIG milestone, which many people in my organization had not even dreamed off all their working life. Sad that a good friend is leaving the company as he decided that he can no longer be apart from his family. Angry that everybody is so damn grossed up in trying to get good ratings by jeopardizing the integrity of the company.
Have been through so many difficult situations, bitch about it and move on. However, this time around I cannot get over it. I am just so angry beyond words that I believe it has manifested into physical pain. At this moment of this entry, I am having the most aggravating migraine. Why am I so affected with all the craziness?
Most of the people that I came across, seems to believe that it is business as usual but the truth to the matter is, we are in downward spiral and I am afraid we are not going to recover. Taking all this and it seems that I cannot hold in any longer.
Yesterday, in the most daring career suicide ever, I just had to speak up and highlight it to my management. How will this affect my career? Wait and see my entry at the end of this financial year.
So this is how it feels to almost break down. It is not an awesome feeling.
Dear God,
I am just your servant on this Earth and is helpless unless I am under Your grace. Please grant me strength to get through this situation. Please God, grant me the wisdom to be able to contribute more to my organization as this is for the good of all. Amin!
Ciao!
Friday, May 28, 2010
Mundane
(...background music "Chasing Pavements" by Adele...)
It is a long weekend here in Bintulu. When I say long, if you were to take 2 days off next week, you will be spending one and half weeks on leave. Isn't it awesome? Well yours truly, didn't take the much needed rest just because there is a lot need to be done and completed.
With great power, comes great responsibility. A phrase that well describe the situation I am in at the moment. Last month, I have been promoted to a senior position in a way. So, I am expected to live to the expectations. On top of that, I need to rise to the occasion as I have been told of my appraisal rating. A bitter sweet situation. Let me put it this way, not many people has achieved this rating. Did I deserve it? If this was asked to me, my answer would be NO! But as my boss told me, the management saw something else. Hope it is the contribution and not the persona.
Overwhelm, would be an understatement to describe the feeling. I am to the point of emotionally and physically paralyzed with the current situation. So, how am I supposed to move forward? I am not sure, I have tried taken breaks, but it was not successful. I am still in the rut.
So what's next? I believe I cannot take this psycho babble and it is time for tough love. The phrase that I like to use, "Suck it up and move on". At the end of the day, I shouldn't be disappointing people who have given me opportunities upon opportunities to grow as person. A lot of thinking need to be put into place.
With that I have made a conscious decision not go back during this long break and to catch up or even finish as much work as possible. After finishing what I have to do, I will start on certain projects that would make me more happy. What will it be? I am not sure. Just wait and see.
Ciao!
It is a long weekend here in Bintulu. When I say long, if you were to take 2 days off next week, you will be spending one and half weeks on leave. Isn't it awesome? Well yours truly, didn't take the much needed rest just because there is a lot need to be done and completed.
With great power, comes great responsibility. A phrase that well describe the situation I am in at the moment. Last month, I have been promoted to a senior position in a way. So, I am expected to live to the expectations. On top of that, I need to rise to the occasion as I have been told of my appraisal rating. A bitter sweet situation. Let me put it this way, not many people has achieved this rating. Did I deserve it? If this was asked to me, my answer would be NO! But as my boss told me, the management saw something else. Hope it is the contribution and not the persona.
Overwhelm, would be an understatement to describe the feeling. I am to the point of emotionally and physically paralyzed with the current situation. So, how am I supposed to move forward? I am not sure, I have tried taken breaks, but it was not successful. I am still in the rut.
So what's next? I believe I cannot take this psycho babble and it is time for tough love. The phrase that I like to use, "Suck it up and move on". At the end of the day, I shouldn't be disappointing people who have given me opportunities upon opportunities to grow as person. A lot of thinking need to be put into place.
With that I have made a conscious decision not go back during this long break and to catch up or even finish as much work as possible. After finishing what I have to do, I will start on certain projects that would make me more happy. What will it be? I am not sure. Just wait and see.
Ciao!
Sunday, May 2, 2010
The Power of Words
(...background music Travie MacCoy - Billionaire...)
Indeed it has been sometime I post an entry to my blog. It is not because I have nothing to bitch about, it is just that I am so effing lazy. Basically tonight I force myself to post this entry. The reason behind it, is just there is so much things going through my mind that I need to release a few so that I can feel much more calm.
Anyways, this entry is about words. There is a saying that, "The pen is mightier than the sword". Too many belief it is true. This idea of talking about this subject is because I came across this episode of "Oprah" where she was interviewing Jay-Z. There was a point in the discussion that both disagree about something. The disagreement was on the usage of the N word.
According to Oprah, it should never ever be used as it is so degrading and just plain obscene. On the contrary, Jay-Z said that the N word is only powerful, if we acknowledge its power. It got me thinking, who is right on this subject matter?
Does this mean that any degrading words, if we do not acknowledge its meaning, it is just like any other normal word e.g. Hello? Or regardless whether the acknowledgment is there or not, an obscene word is an obscene word?
I am actually still unable to answer this. Maybe someone can provide their two cents?
Ciao!
Indeed it has been sometime I post an entry to my blog. It is not because I have nothing to bitch about, it is just that I am so effing lazy. Basically tonight I force myself to post this entry. The reason behind it, is just there is so much things going through my mind that I need to release a few so that I can feel much more calm.
Anyways, this entry is about words. There is a saying that, "The pen is mightier than the sword". Too many belief it is true. This idea of talking about this subject is because I came across this episode of "Oprah" where she was interviewing Jay-Z. There was a point in the discussion that both disagree about something. The disagreement was on the usage of the N word.
According to Oprah, it should never ever be used as it is so degrading and just plain obscene. On the contrary, Jay-Z said that the N word is only powerful, if we acknowledge its power. It got me thinking, who is right on this subject matter?
Does this mean that any degrading words, if we do not acknowledge its meaning, it is just like any other normal word e.g. Hello? Or regardless whether the acknowledgment is there or not, an obscene word is an obscene word?
I am actually still unable to answer this. Maybe someone can provide their two cents?
Ciao!
Friday, March 12, 2010
I Am Turning Out to be The Person I Hate The Most
(...background music; Leona Lewis - Run...)
People think that being in my place it is easy. They thought that everything is easy for me. What's up with this entry? Well this is because currently I am going through my appraisal. It is the time when people start to justify why they should get the best rating. It also the time when a group of people will start to paint a great picture on their accomplishment but instead they have done nothing. I FUCKING HATE THOSE PEOPLE!!!
Unfortunately, based on my unofficial survey, I have become one of those fuckers! This really saddens me. This all happened when I asked people to be honest with me by asking them, "What rating should I get?" I am OK with honesty saying that, "I believe based on my observation, you are just meeting expectations". I am fine with that statement because I know that I have done nothing much this year. But the most hurtful part is when it seems that majority of the people think that I have been rewarded all this while just because the highest management knows me. That made all the blood, sweat and tears that I have given to my work all this while to be worthless.
The truth is, I never asked for any of this to happen to me. I never wanted the highest of the management to know who I am. It is just happened. I had a feeling that this is what most people felt about my success all this while (because management know who I am), but to hear it is the most hurtful I have ever felt so far in my career. "Well if you are being put as a just meeting expectations, how about the rest? This is because we will be compared to you. So, in a way you have to be exceed expectations (subtext: even though you are not), for us to be exceeding expectations".
I am deeply sadden by this. I seriously don't know what to do? God, please give me strength.
Ciao!
People think that being in my place it is easy. They thought that everything is easy for me. What's up with this entry? Well this is because currently I am going through my appraisal. It is the time when people start to justify why they should get the best rating. It also the time when a group of people will start to paint a great picture on their accomplishment but instead they have done nothing. I FUCKING HATE THOSE PEOPLE!!!
Unfortunately, based on my unofficial survey, I have become one of those fuckers! This really saddens me. This all happened when I asked people to be honest with me by asking them, "What rating should I get?" I am OK with honesty saying that, "I believe based on my observation, you are just meeting expectations". I am fine with that statement because I know that I have done nothing much this year. But the most hurtful part is when it seems that majority of the people think that I have been rewarded all this while just because the highest management knows me. That made all the blood, sweat and tears that I have given to my work all this while to be worthless.
The truth is, I never asked for any of this to happen to me. I never wanted the highest of the management to know who I am. It is just happened. I had a feeling that this is what most people felt about my success all this while (because management know who I am), but to hear it is the most hurtful I have ever felt so far in my career. "Well if you are being put as a just meeting expectations, how about the rest? This is because we will be compared to you. So, in a way you have to be exceed expectations (subtext: even though you are not), for us to be exceeding expectations".
I am deeply sadden by this. I seriously don't know what to do? God, please give me strength.
Ciao!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
I Am NO Expert, but HEY This Is Just My Two Cents
(...background music "Fame" from the Fame Soundtrack...)
Politics really puzzle me. I seriously cannot figure out what is it all about? This is because if you were to attend any of the talks given by the political body, they seem to be talking about the same thing. The other team SUCK!! I had postponed many times about writing anything related to politics but I just cannot take it anymore. This is basically on the front page of the news. Nothing much but just the other bad mouthing the other.
This so called political turmoil started well, if you are in this country you would know when. With the starting of a new political entity, the drama begun. Never ending ill stories about an individual or a political entity. You can call me on the fence, but I am not attracted to any sides. This is what I have decided as a child.
You may wonder, how did I come to this conclusion even when I was a child. Well this is from where I come from the politician only paid attention to the constituents when election is near. After winning the seat, it will be effing difficult to see that politician in my area. It raised a question, "Aren't they suppose to be serving us? That is why they were elected". You know that election is near when the roads were brand new again. Unfortunately the mentality is all about the perks that come with the title. I was so and still am disappointed and angry at the same time. This is not what it should be.
Currently what is happening in the country after the last election, is that some changes are being demanded. Therefore a shift was seen. Unfortunately, same thing is being seen. Drama...drama...drama. It is all about an individual or a political party. They have forgotten the most important thing. They have forgotten about the people that have put them there! They are so caught up with themselves that they have forgotten about the importance of the people in their constituents.
When will the people issues be the priority rather than putting the opposition down. In my opinion, rather than 'killing' each other, start to see the big picture. You are given the responsibility to voice the issues that is of importance to the people. And please for God's sakes, stop talking about things that have been clearly stated in the Constitutions and move on. There is a reason why they are there in the first place, go check the history books.
Guys this is a ENORMOUS responsibility, please do not let us, the people, down.
Ciao!
Politics really puzzle me. I seriously cannot figure out what is it all about? This is because if you were to attend any of the talks given by the political body, they seem to be talking about the same thing. The other team SUCK!! I had postponed many times about writing anything related to politics but I just cannot take it anymore. This is basically on the front page of the news. Nothing much but just the other bad mouthing the other.
This so called political turmoil started well, if you are in this country you would know when. With the starting of a new political entity, the drama begun. Never ending ill stories about an individual or a political entity. You can call me on the fence, but I am not attracted to any sides. This is what I have decided as a child.
You may wonder, how did I come to this conclusion even when I was a child. Well this is from where I come from the politician only paid attention to the constituents when election is near. After winning the seat, it will be effing difficult to see that politician in my area. It raised a question, "Aren't they suppose to be serving us? That is why they were elected". You know that election is near when the roads were brand new again. Unfortunately the mentality is all about the perks that come with the title. I was so and still am disappointed and angry at the same time. This is not what it should be.
Currently what is happening in the country after the last election, is that some changes are being demanded. Therefore a shift was seen. Unfortunately, same thing is being seen. Drama...drama...drama. It is all about an individual or a political party. They have forgotten the most important thing. They have forgotten about the people that have put them there! They are so caught up with themselves that they have forgotten about the importance of the people in their constituents.
When will the people issues be the priority rather than putting the opposition down. In my opinion, rather than 'killing' each other, start to see the big picture. You are given the responsibility to voice the issues that is of importance to the people. And please for God's sakes, stop talking about things that have been clearly stated in the Constitutions and move on. There is a reason why they are there in the first place, go check the history books.
Guys this is a ENORMOUS responsibility, please do not let us, the people, down.
Ciao!
Am I Mental?
(...background music "Jai Ho" from Slumdog Millionaire's Soundtrack...)
I have noticed something about myself that I tend to ignore previously. I have this persona when I am in Bintulu and another persona when I am in KL. When come to to think of it, both really represents me.
When I am in Bintulu, I am more chilled and more wanting to blend in with the crowd. I have learned the language spoken here just to get accepted by the locals. Which in the end I have managed by a tooth to blend in. Some locals even thought that I am actually local. A gargantuan complement for me.
However, when I board the flight MH2742 heading to KL, in the middle of the South China Sea, I transformed. I transformed into this snooty, think-that-he-is-classy persona which can be pretty annoying. When people converse with me in Malay, I tend to respond in English. This is the truth! I am actually surprised when I realized it recently. I tend to mock this people and yet I am one of them.
There is one word that could explain this. BIPOLAR!! But really??!! Am I bipolar or just plain crazy?? I have not actually know how to handle this as this just struck me recently. So wait for my next update when I board that flight. Until then...
Ciao!
I have noticed something about myself that I tend to ignore previously. I have this persona when I am in Bintulu and another persona when I am in KL. When come to to think of it, both really represents me.
When I am in Bintulu, I am more chilled and more wanting to blend in with the crowd. I have learned the language spoken here just to get accepted by the locals. Which in the end I have managed by a tooth to blend in. Some locals even thought that I am actually local. A gargantuan complement for me.
However, when I board the flight MH2742 heading to KL, in the middle of the South China Sea, I transformed. I transformed into this snooty, think-that-he-is-classy persona which can be pretty annoying. When people converse with me in Malay, I tend to respond in English. This is the truth! I am actually surprised when I realized it recently. I tend to mock this people and yet I am one of them.
There is one word that could explain this. BIPOLAR!! But really??!! Am I bipolar or just plain crazy?? I have not actually know how to handle this as this just struck me recently. So wait for my next update when I board that flight. Until then...
Ciao!
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