Sunday, August 1, 2010

Tough Times Do Not Last, But Tough People Does

(...background soundtrack by Kylie Minogue - Can't Get You Out Of My Head...)

Yeah yeah I know that this time around the background music is so 'house' but I kind of like it. It is one of those guilty pleasures.

Anyways back to the topic. This statement or phrase came across while I was browsing through Facebook. One of my friends wrote this as his status. It describe perfectly the situation that I am in at the moment.

Have you ever felt the burden of living up to certain expectations? Well I have in the past where as the principal's son, I am expected to behave and perform academically at the highest of standards. It was a stressful moment in my life but it do not come close to what I am feeling at the moment. Still in the flashback, it was so stressful that I had migraine when I was in Primary 6. On top of that, I need medication to cope with my stress. How awesome was my childhood?

It was from bad to worse when in the university years, where I was even once hospitalized. But all in all, I still have that fighting spirit of never ever giving up.

Fast forward to the exact moment where I am now. The pressure and stress are piling up. Great things are expected of me. I have not felt to the extend where I need medication like previously but I started to feel the tenseness in my neck and shoulders, as if the weight of the world is on it. The only different thing this time, I feel like giving up. I keep on asking myself why?

I still have not figured it out, but I believe is because I am afraid of failing. It sucks to fail. Quoting Thomas A. Edison, "I have not failed. I have found 10,000 ways that won't work". This is a matter of perception. If you as optimistic as he was, then you would believe it. But I am the total opposite of that. So how do you change a perception which is cultivated when you were small?

The way forward to this, I believe, I need to find that fire again. I need to be strong to face the storm and need to stop thinking of the outcome.

Note to self: Do what you think is right and fuck the rest!


Saturday, July 17, 2010

On The Verge of Breaking Down

(...background soundtrack by Shontelle - Impossible...)

It has been almost two months since my last entry. A lot had happened! Mixed feelings to put in a way. Happy that finally my management realized that we cannot afford to loose our people to the others. Happy beyond words as I had reached a BIG milestone, which many people in my organization had not even dreamed off all their working life. Sad that a good friend is leaving the company as he decided that he can no longer be apart from his family. Angry that everybody is so damn grossed up in trying to get good ratings by jeopardizing the integrity of the company.

Have been through so many difficult situations, bitch about it and move on. However, this time around I cannot get over it. I am just so angry beyond words that I believe it has manifested into physical pain. At this moment of this entry, I am having the most aggravating migraine. Why am I so affected with all the craziness?

Most of the people that I came across, seems to believe that it is business as usual but the truth to the matter is, we are in downward spiral and I am afraid we are not going to recover. Taking all this and it seems that I cannot hold in any longer.

Yesterday, in the most daring career suicide ever, I just had to speak up and highlight it to my management. How will this affect my career? Wait and see my entry at the end of this financial year.

So this is how it feels to almost break down. It is not an awesome feeling.

Dear God,

I am just your servant on this Earth and is helpless unless I am under Your grace. Please grant me strength to get through this situation. Please God, grant me the wisdom to be able to contribute more to my organization as this is for the good of all. Amin!


Friday, May 28, 2010


(...background music "Chasing Pavements" by Adele...)

It is a long weekend here in Bintulu. When I say long, if you were to take 2 days off next week, you will be spending one and half weeks on leave. Isn't it awesome? Well yours truly, didn't take the much needed rest just because there is a lot need to be done and completed.

With great power, comes great responsibility. A phrase that well describe the situation I am in at the moment. Last month, I have been promoted to a senior position in a way. So, I am expected to live to the expectations. On top of that, I need to rise to the occasion as I have been told of my appraisal rating. A bitter sweet situation. Let me put it this way, not many people has achieved this rating. Did I deserve it? If this was asked to me, my answer would be NO! But as my boss told me, the management saw something else. Hope it is the contribution and not the persona.

Overwhelm, would be an understatement to describe the feeling. I am to the point of emotionally and physically paralyzed with the current situation. So, how am I supposed to move forward? I am not sure, I have tried taken breaks, but it was not successful. I am still in the rut.

So what's next? I believe I cannot take this psycho babble and it is time for tough love. The phrase that I like to use, "Suck it up and move on". At the end of the day, I shouldn't be disappointing people who have given me opportunities upon opportunities to grow as person. A lot of thinking need to be put into place.

With that I have made a conscious decision not go back during this long break and to catch up or even finish as much work as possible. After finishing what I have to do, I will start on certain projects that would make me more happy. What will it be? I am not sure. Just wait and see.


Sunday, May 2, 2010

The Power of Words

(...background music Travie MacCoy - Billionaire...)

Indeed it has been sometime I post an entry to my blog. It is not because I have nothing to bitch about, it is just that I am so effing lazy. Basically tonight I force myself to post this entry. The reason behind it, is just there is so much things going through my mind that I need to release a few so that I can feel much more calm.

Anyways, this entry is about words. There is a saying that, "The pen is mightier than the sword". Too many belief it is true. This idea of talking about this subject is because I came across this episode of "Oprah" where she was interviewing Jay-Z. There was a point in the discussion that both disagree about something. The disagreement was on the usage of the N word.

According to Oprah, it should never ever be used as it is so degrading and just plain obscene. On the contrary, Jay-Z said that the N word is only powerful, if we acknowledge its power. It got me thinking, who is right on this subject matter?

Does this mean that any degrading words, if we do not acknowledge its meaning, it is just like any other normal word e.g. Hello? Or regardless whether the acknowledgment is there or not, an obscene word is an obscene word?

I am actually still unable to answer this. Maybe someone can provide their two cents?


Friday, March 12, 2010

I Am Turning Out to be The Person I Hate The Most

(...background music; Leona Lewis - Run...)

People think that being in my place it is easy. They thought that everything is easy for me. What's up with this entry? Well this is because currently I am going through my appraisal. It is the time when people start to justify why they should get the best rating. It also the time when a group of people will start to paint a great picture on their accomplishment but instead they have done nothing. I FUCKING HATE THOSE PEOPLE!!!

Unfortunately, based on my unofficial survey, I have become one of those fuckers! This really saddens me. This all happened when I asked people to be honest with me by asking them, "What rating should I get?" I am OK with honesty saying that, "I believe based on my observation, you are just meeting expectations". I am fine with that statement because I know that I have done nothing much this year. But the most hurtful part is when it seems that majority of the people think that I have been rewarded all this while just because the highest management knows me. That made all the blood, sweat and tears that I have given to my work all this while to be worthless.

The truth is, I never asked for any of this to happen to me. I never wanted the highest of the management to know who I am. It is just happened. I had a feeling that this is what most people felt about my success all this while (because management know who I am), but to hear it is the most hurtful I have ever felt so far in my career. "Well if you are being put as a just meeting expectations, how about the rest? This is because we will be compared to you. So, in a way you have to be exceed expectations (subtext: even though you are not), for us to be exceeding expectations".

I am deeply sadden by this. I seriously don't know what to do? God, please give me strength.


Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I Am NO Expert, but HEY This Is Just My Two Cents

(...background music "Fame" from the Fame Soundtrack...)

Politics really puzzle me. I seriously cannot figure out what is it all about? This is because if you were to attend any of the talks given by the political body, they seem to be talking about the same thing. The other team SUCK!! I had postponed many times about writing anything related to politics but I just cannot take it anymore. This is basically on the front page of the news. Nothing much but just the other bad mouthing the other.

This so called political turmoil started well, if you are in this country you would know when. With the starting of a new political entity, the drama begun. Never ending ill stories about an individual or a political entity. You can call me on the fence, but I am not attracted to any sides. This is what I have decided as a child.

You may wonder, how did I come to this conclusion even when I was a child. Well this is from where I come from the politician only paid attention to the constituents when election is near. After winning the seat, it will be effing difficult to see that politician in my area. It raised a question, "Aren't they suppose to be serving us? That is why they were elected". You know that election is near when the roads were brand new again. Unfortunately the mentality is all about the perks that come with the title. I was so and still am disappointed and angry at the same time. This is not what it should be.

Currently what is happening in the country after the last election, is that some changes are being demanded. Therefore a shift was seen. Unfortunately, same thing is being seen. Drama...drama...drama. It is all about an individual or a political party. They have forgotten the most important thing. They have forgotten about the people that have put them there! They are so caught up with themselves that they have forgotten about the importance of the people in their constituents.

When will the people issues be the priority rather than putting the opposition down. In my opinion, rather than 'killing' each other, start to see the big picture. You are given the responsibility to voice the issues that is of importance to the people. And please for God's sakes, stop talking about things that have been clearly stated in the Constitutions and move on. There is a reason why they are there in the first place, go check the history books.

Guys this is a ENORMOUS responsibility, please do not let us, the people, down.


Am I Mental?

(...background music "Jai Ho" from Slumdog Millionaire's Soundtrack...)

I have noticed something about myself that I tend to ignore previously. I have this persona when I am in Bintulu and another persona when I am in KL. When come to to think of it, both really represents me.

When I am in Bintulu, I am more chilled and more wanting to blend in with the crowd. I have learned the language spoken here just to get accepted by the locals. Which in the end I have managed by a tooth to blend in. Some locals even thought that I am actually local. A gargantuan complement for me.

However, when I board the flight MH2742 heading to KL, in the middle of the South China Sea, I transformed. I transformed into this snooty, think-that-he-is-classy persona which can be pretty annoying. When people converse with me in Malay, I tend to respond in English. This is the truth! I am actually surprised when I realized it recently. I tend to mock this people and yet I am one of them.

There is one word that could explain this. BIPOLAR!! But really??!! Am I bipolar or just plain crazy?? I have not actually know how to handle this as this just struck me recently. So wait for my next update when I board that flight. Until then...


Sunday, February 7, 2010

What The Hell Is Wrong With Me?

(...background music "Smells Like Teen Spirit by RHM feat. Shanade...)

This is entry is for me to figure what is wrong with me? Lately I am easily irritated and angry on things that did not happen as I expected. I am so worried about this as my limit was at its end. Thank God for the meeting in KL, which helped me to cool off.

It all started when I started to settle down in my new home. There were certain things that need to be settled at the old house and I felt that I was doing everything myself. Why are not the others helping me?

Then followed by people at work. This again is my fault. I set a very high standard on myself as an engineer. I expect that I should know the basic things and also the process of the plant that I am currently working with. On top of that, I also make sure that anything urgent and a priority, the asset owner will be aware of every single update. Unfortunately there are certain engineers who decided just to be present at work.

Present at work is what I call someone who just come to work for the sake of coming to work and has no desire to contribute. I am pissed with this type of people. In my opinion, there is no excuse that you are still a new engineer. This is because I was once a new engineer but I need to grow up quickly because there were lots of people depended on me.

Is it wrong to have the same expectation on the rest of the new engineers? I am not being unreasonable. After looking at things that made me damn angry, I realized that I am bothering myself with things that are beyond my control.

This contributes to lots of sleepless nights and stressful days. I know what to do. Always give 200% of myself to my work. Do not bother about the others. If to a certain point it irritates me beyond my threshold, I am going to give a piece of my mind. I plan not to keep it bottled up inside like what I am doing now. It is so not healthy.


Monday, January 18, 2010

It's Marathon, Not A Sprint

It is sometimes very enlightening when you have a discussion or conversation on life with the old and the wise. I meant in a very respective manner when I say 'the old'. This is because, you tend to learn more about life and its surprises through them.

I always have this heart-to-heart discussion with my mentor. He is my guide on life and also about work. So we had one conversation that I believe will always resonate with me through my life. As I mentioned earlier in my previous entry, I faced one of the difficult failures of my life. I am a very competitive person and what ever people can do, I am determined to do it better. Unfortunately on this particular moment others did better than I do.

My frustration and disappointment were sensed by my mentor. Rather to comfort me he said the most shocking statement. "Good that this happened to you", he said to me. I was flabbergasted. When I have regained myself from the shock, I asked him, "Why?".

Then like those Hallmark moments that you saw on the telly between father and son, he shared his wisdom with me. He told me that in my infant years working with this universally-known multinational company, he noticed that I have obtained successes equal to those that worked a lifetime. He explained that this moment of failure is good as it builds character. This is because he said, "A true successful person, will be able to pick himself up and achieve better success from the failure that he faced".

It was hard to comprehend at that moment as I was in the moment of 'mourning' so to speak. I was in the moment 'where the world is not fair' and 'I deserve this'. However after settling down, it seriously struck me that it is actually true. This is because, if you only face the ups in life, you will never appreciate it. The downs will make us more appreciative of the ups. Furthermore when you come out from the downs and be successful, that is the most blissful feeling ever.

As he continue to pour his take on life, he said to me, "This is a marathon, not a sprint". It does not mean that if you continue to achieve success after success, you will be a definite winner in the end. You may end up running out of breathe and do not reach the finish line. The winners are those who has the 'stamina' to endure every challenges thrown and reached the finish line. So the question is, do you want to tackle life or work as a marathon or a sprint? The answer is in your hands.


Sunday, January 17, 2010

Why Have I Lost It?

The year 2010 means a lot in the sense that this represent the 5th year I worked with this multinational company. However, this is also the most mind-boggling year ever. This is because I believe I have lost it.

I was reminiscing the 1st year I stepped foot in the world of working for a living. The 1st world was the most awesome year ever. This is because this was the year where I was eager to learn, eager to do anything even photostatting documents in other words, I would do anything. The key word is EAGER.

Over the years, I felt something different. I felt as if I have achieved everything out there. This was something that my superior worry. We are pretty close and we tend to discuss about life. He warned me of achieving everything in a short time. It will tend to diminish what is important in someone's life which is the DRIVE.

If I were to grade my drive during the 1st year, I would say it was a freaking perfect score of 10. However this year, the 5th year, I felt it is mere a 4. I am not trying to be cocky, but this is a fact.

So this year, I am determined to find it again. I need to find it. I need to find the feeling that I felt during that 1st year. GOD, give me the strength.


Friday, January 8, 2010

History Is There For A Reason

There is currently tension in the country. Some 'educated' people has made the worst decision in his or her life. Why would not people think of the repercussion of the decision that they made on a bigger scale? Why must people still touch on sensitive issues, when it was clearly stated earlier in the building this nation?

Freedom of speech? What a bunch of bull crap! People need to be aware of their surrounding and not be selfish. Now look what happened! Argh! I am so fucking pissed off of people who thinks that they have all the right in the world to do what they want.

Guys, reflect back on 13th May 1969. The darkest day in our country's history. Do we want that to happen again? Are we going to celebrate the 40th year of the incident by a bigger incident?

So I am begging people, stop doing things that could jeopardize the peace.

God, please let the peace to continue. Amin.


Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Importance of Setting Goals

Still talking on my short year vacation at home. I was as usual looking for things to do around the house i.e. watching VCDs or DVDs. As I was browsing on interesting things to watch, I came across Siti Nurhaliza's concert at Royal Albert Hall, London. As a big fan of hers, I decided to watch it and something she said in the opening remark struck a nerve in me.

She said (may not be the exact words), "Ever since I started singing, it has always been my dream to perform here at the Royal Albert Hall. So, I have set a target that one day I will be here and to commemorate my 10th year in this business, my wish has come true".

It dawn on me, not just she is very talented, she is also a visionary. She does not just depend on few big successes, she worked hard to create more and bigger successes. It does make sense that in order to be successful or to achieve your dreams/objectives, you cannot rely on others. You must create your own destiny. Just as what she did to be able to perform at Royal Albert Hall.

Some thinking is required on my behalf I believe on what targets to set for me this year. So back to my thinking I guess.


Monday, January 4, 2010

I Am In Mourning

There is no way understanding life. As you thought that you are much wiser and understand life better as you grow older, there will still be surprises lurking behind the corner to throw you off. Well today's event is no different.

Conversation through the telephone early this morning (with some details omitted):
Friend: Hey, have you heard the news?
Me: What?
Friend: X's wife passed away this morning.
Me: (...paused...) OH MY GOD!

As a Muslim you are always taught that life and death has been determined for each and everyone of us. In other words, it doesn't mean that you will not die at a young age. But as typical human beings, we tend to believe that we will only die when we are old. The news that I received today was really a wake up call. If my time comes tomorrow, will I be ready to face my Maker? The truthful answer is NO! Unfortunately although I know all this, but I am still not doing much to ensure that I have done enough. This is going to be on top of my list this year.

On top of that, it made me realize that life is damn short. We tend to procrastinate things, especially saying "I LOVE YOU" to the ones we love. Another thing on my list this year.

All in all, my heart goes out to my friend, his daughter and family. Be strong my dear friend as God loves her more. You and your sweet daughter will always be in my prayers.


Sunday, January 3, 2010

OMG! It's New Year Already?

Seriously, the year passed by very quickly. True what they say, "Time passes by when you are having fun". Well for me, from the last entry to this one, a lot had happened.

Firstly, I spent 2 months in Houston,TX on job attachment. Who would have ever thought of that? Especially me. I was given the opportunity to represent my organization for some project review in Houston, TX. It was a mind blowing experience and surely on top of my "Experience That I Will Never Forget List". This is number two after shaking hands with my idol, Dr. M. This was basically two weeks after my last entry. Between getting the news and going, there were lots needed to be settled hence no time for new entry.

Secondly, before going to Houston, TX, celebrated Eid Fitr with my beautiful family. It was rather an emotional one ever. For your information, I can be a little selfish bitch. So, during that time with tantrum flying high and a lot of things been said and also crying, few feelings had been hurt. Since it is indeed the time for forgiveness, forgiveness was given and received. The most therapeutic moment ever. Who needs shrinks? Hahahaha......

Got back from TX, prepare myself for an assessment. Not just any assessment, but the assessment that could determine whether I will be promoted or not. Went to Labuan, an awesome experience as I have never been there, for the assessment. Thought that my turn will be from 2pm-4pm. I was SOOOOOOOOOOOO wrong! It was instead to be 9pm-11.30pm. Hahahaha.... The waiting is one thing, but to stay awake is another. Hahahaha...another those experience that I will never forget. Hopefully, my prayers will be answered and I will get through this time around.

Lastly, after the assessment, I felt the need to see my family. So with all the persuasive techniques that I could think of, managed to convince my superior to approve my leave. Went back on the 23rd December 2009 to my parents surprise. As a matter of fact, I did tell my parents that I was going back. The reaction on my parents' faces, PRICELESS!! With the leave given, I took the opportunity to attend my house-mate's wedding in Penang on 28th December 2009. Touched down in KL on the 29th December 2009, went to Istana Budaya to catch a show. It was freaking awesome!

Got back from there and my parents' house was fulled with all my siblings and nephews and nieces. That was the icing on the cake, spending quality time with family. Although it was quite tiring, but it was fun! Cannot wait for another family gathering.

With all that and today back in Bintulu, I just cannot wait to what this year holds for me. Hope that I can climb every mountain laid in front me this year. I have a feeling that it is going to be a wonderful year.