Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Working With Idots Can Kill You......Really True...

(...background music by John Legend's, "Ordinary People"....)

Conversation through the radio (some exaggeration):
Me: Mr. X please call back
X: Yes
Me: I have a problem and I need your expertise
X: Why should I? I didn't change anything on my side. You should check on your side.
Me: But I have already did
X: Not my problem. Sought it yourself.

That was more or less the same conversation that I had for the past four days to convince my Electrical colleague to assist me. The problem is people do not want to believe that they are the problem even though explanation upon explanation had given to make them understand. People start to get defensive. The intention is to resolve the issue not putting blame. The cherry on the ice-cream was, I got scolded for the past four fucking days related to this issue. At the end of the day, I WAS BLOODY FUCKING RIGHT!!!!! The problem was from their side and at that particular moment I believed I could hear the church choir singing "Hallelujah". Hahahaha!!!

God is fair!


Thursday, September 3, 2009

Why Am I Unable To Do Anything Right?

(...background music by Duffy's Stepping Stone...)

I just keep on screwing up this year. It all started early this year where I had a 'promotion' assessment in which I was unable to make it through. Not to sound conceded, but I had the hardest for that. But it is just not my luck.

Then, later in the year when I was moved to a new position, I had all the ideas in making it better than before. Was I a dumb-ass! I was not able to do what I have intended to do but also I am unable to cope with the demand.

Then I have made a few silly decisions where had caused loss to my company and today was like the grand finale in which I made the stupidest decision without thinking it through. I am so upset with myself right now that I feel like screaming at the top of my lung.

Why am I unable to do anything right? Yeah I know that as human beings we have flaws but I am just disappointed with myself especially when I saw that my junior is progressing way better and faster than I am. And I am still where I am four years ago.

Dear GOD,

I am just lost at the moment and I need some guiding light. I am helpless at the moment and I hope that YOU hear my plea.



Saturday, August 29, 2009

The Truth Behind Stereotypes

(...background music by Keri Hilson's, 'Knock You Down'...)

We are always being generalized into categories and often we do not like it. Like for example, "Malays are lazy". Can you imagine the amount of people that is going to dislike this statement? However, the origin of these 'categories' must came from some incident in history or is it just some propaganda by a certain group of people who wish to see the demise of others?

So, I came across this hilarious video on Youtube from Singapore. The video is performed by a famous stand up comedian from Singapore who is a drag queen. Well to those that get easily offended, it is not for you. As I was curious with the video, I keep on watching all the available videos. To me this person is clever in the sense that he managed to push the boundaries of race sensitivity without going overboard and sound vulgar.

As I was watching there were a few comments related to the Malays (as I am one) which to me are true. This is related to the fact that the majority of people doing rehab is the Malay. The ones that is still behind in the economy and also education is also the Malay. If this such a statement is being made in our country, definitely there is going to be hell to pay! The Malay will go to the streets and cause commotion to express their anger. There will also be harsh statements being made in the media condemning the insensitivity of the stand up comedian towards other race.

Don't get me wrong. I am proud to be Malay but please step back and look at the big picture. Are we, the Malays, really improving our way of living whether economy or education? Why is it that we need to have a certain 'advantage' then we are able to be competitive?

Therefore before we go get all emotional, please ask ourselves whether are we really OK? and also what can I contribute to help our own race? Please have a perspective on the current condition and ask yourselves whether you are capable to stand on your own two feet?


Monday, August 24, 2009

Oh Fudge!

(...background music from OST Hairspray, 'I Know Where I've Been...)

A radio conversation:
X: "Me call back"
Me: "Yup"
X: "Can you spend more time in the control room? This is requested by a lot of people. This is to help with the coordination"
Me: "Uhh...OK"


Today was a very challenging and a very testing day. Today was the day my threshold was tested. Unfortunately, it started early in the morning when I found out that certain items were not updated when an adjacent part of the control room was upgraded. Then it was added on with an absurd question by the project team on a certain changes of the project scope that need to be in place whereas I am not even an effing full time project team member. Fueled further by the radio conversation which was depressing as (in his defence) people do not know that I have to attend to other important and urgent things that are within my responsibility or just given to me. And the icing on the cake was when somebody made a decision on my work scope without even consulting me and yeah! IT WAS A BLOODY STUPID DECISION, in which I had to rectify.

I was at the point of my limits that I almost shouted to a contractor and also a colleague of mine. The tone of my voice was a little bit high and was at the point of waiting for anyone to cross me just to give an excuse for me to go medieval on the a-hole's ass.

The saddest of them all, this would be my third time doing this and when you thought that you have gone through all sorts of things to make sure that at other time it would be smooth, it was totally the effing opposite.Son of a motherf&%$#@!!!!! I am so totally disappointed with myself that, I should have taken control of the situation. Sadly, the situation took control over me and made me overwhelm with the situation.


Tomorrow is a new day. Praise the Lord! I am sure that tomorrow the sun will shine and I know where I've been...


Sunday, August 23, 2009


(...background music by Taylor Swift's You Belong With Me...)

Ramadhan is here again. I am all excited (although I did not really show it) about the arrival of the holiest of all the months. I truly believe in doing things sincerely to get God's blessings (not making excuses) and not just because everyone is doing it. But I have started with the fasting but the other 'side dishes' is yet to come. So today, will try my best to perform Tarawikh and also the reciting of Quran.

So, in conjunction with this month, I was thinking on writing this topic (which I have thought for a long time). It is just about feeling empathy about people around us. This got me thinking as I was caught in the most awkward situation. For those who are not familiar, the place where I work, we are provided transportation to go from one place to another in our working premises. Basically these van drivers are at our backing call.

So in this one scenario, where I was in the van together with a colleague of mine were in the van talking until we reached to our destination. At the stop, I went down and said thank you to the driver and also threw a smile at the driver. The driver reciprocate with a nod and a smile also. As we walked to the door, this colleague asked a question, "Why did you say thank you?". I was liked, "Why? Is it wrong to say that?". The person replied, "No. Why say thank you to someone who is actually doing what he is being paid for?". Cricket.....cricket....

What the fudge?!!! I was dumbfounded by that statement. Believe it or not, these service providers are also human beings with feelings and issues (although they are being paid for). We will bitch like hell, if we were under appreciated by our superiors saying that, "The boss does not understands me" or "He is an a-hole for not rewarding my hard work" etc...

I believe this is what lacking in our society. We need to be more empathetic to the other people and stop being a self-indulgence-narcissistic-bitch all the time. Try to recall the feeling of being appreciated by others and try to reciprocate to the rest of the world. Basically, pay it forward. If we truly want to change the world, this to me is the easiest way to start.


Thursday, August 20, 2009


(...background music courtesy of Kelly Clarkson, 'Already Gone'...)

Lately I have been arrogant and also egoistic. This is not the kind of person that I am striving to be. This never crossed my mind until today...

Today something happened to me which was kind of stupid. Not the thing that I should do. But due to the idea that I am invincible, I did it anyway. Well was I in for a surprise. I was finally caught and that was really embarrassing.

Contemplating on the incident will not help me to grow as a human being. What I need to do is try to learn from it. At the end of the day, how well known you are, there are still people who does not care about your star power. Salute the person who did his job and shame on me for not following the rules.

My pledge from today onwards is to walk the talk. I need to!


Thursday, August 6, 2009

How Do I Move From Here?

(...background music "Mama Do by Pixie Lott"...)

As you go on the journey of exploring every angle of life, you would think that you have figured everything out. You would tell yourself that life is so routine that you are getting bored. But the universe has the tendency to throw you a curve ball from time to time. And when this happens, you are either prepared or not. In my case it was so fast that I was still in denial towards this moment of writing this.

When the ball approaches you, it was something off guard. Therefore it raises the question, "should I go through life worrying that something will go wrong or believe that what happens have its reasons?". Although what happened did not affect me directly but it does until now traumatize me. The vision is still playing in my head, haunts me. There will be moments in a day that I felt a pool of tears building up.

So, how do I move from here? Will everything be back to normal? What is normal anyways? As I am good at putting a brave face as to ensure to all that I am fine, but I am not sure until when I can suppress all this.


Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Delayed Rage

(background music courtesy of Beyonce - Halo)

I have this issue of really knowing to express my anger in a much healthier way. Therefore I have something that what I call as 'delayed rage'. Out of the sudden when my suppression mechanism is not working maybe due to tiredness, overwhelm with work or etc, the things that I have suppressed will start to boil-off.

So yesterday was one of those days. Apparently when you suppressed a month worth of rage, you basically can become almost insane and tiring. I am still recovering from this emotional tiredness.

(background music courtesy of Kelly Clarkson - Already Gone)

I am the type of person where it is easy to suppress the rage as I am afraid that somebody will get offended. But I know that this is not healthy. The only way is to release it. But how do you release the anger without offending anyone? That is the difficult part.

What can I do is to throw my conscience to the wind and hope the universe will answer back.


Sunday, July 26, 2009

Another Weekend....

This weekend is not much different from any other weekend. Woke up, may or may not go for breakfast, brunch maybe, sit at home watching TV series or DVDs and wait for anyone to call for some outdoor activity. It is so freaking routine that the thought of committing suicide came across my mind a few times (kidding!).

When the thought of doing work i.e. actually office work would bring me out of my misery is the only way out of this tiredness, it shows that I am too long in this place. I need to 'refresh' myself.

I wonder when will the time come for me to get out of this routine? Just pray that it will come soon.


Saturday, July 25, 2009

Another BBQ in Bintulu

Another successful BBQ in Bintulu. This would be my second BBQ this week as the first was done last weekend. It is pretty tiring but the payback is priceless. Each BBQ that was organized or co-organized, I never really eat to enjoy the food. This is because I pretty much tired of running here and there to ensure that everything is in order.

I mostly enjoy the company. Although we usually hang out during dinner at the same stall every single night, this will create a new ambiance for socializing. Tonight was no different from any other night. Last week was 'grown up' session. Well this week was when the 'juniors' are also around. So would expect all sorts of character, which was fun to watch.

The climax of the night in every BBQ, is playing charade. This to me is the highlight of staying in Bintulu. You can see all sort of 'suppressed' behaviors start to come out. The shy will bring down the wall and release all inhibitions. But the most entertaining of all, is when they tried act out the scene which damn hilarious.

If people were to ask me what will I remember the most about being in Bintulu, well the answer is pretty simple, having BBQ with friends.



Today struck me as a wake up call. I just realized that I have been procrastinating a lot. Damn! I will be off soon for a month and it would be very bitchy of me if I just let go of the work. So today I made a list of things need to be finished before I left.

Was that a regretful decision! The list never seems to end. So this calls for the categorizing of the things into:
  1. Urgent/Important
  2. Urgent/Not Important
  3. Not Urgent/Important
  4. Neither
(I believe that is how they categorize it)

Any how, there are a lot of things that I need deliver but little time to spare.

(so what are you waiting for??!!)

The important thing is to start right now slowly but surely. As this goes, the momentum will start to pick up. So stop blogging and start working.


Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Crazy Crazy Crazy

Today was a hectic day although God knows what I have been doing.

It all started with the same routine of going to the morning meeting to update on the progress of this project I am attached to. Then went back to my workstation and saw this email from the GM's secretary saying that he urgently wanted to see me. At this moment in time the thing that went through my mind was, "Did I screw up anything?".

The appointment was at 9.30am. Unfortunately he had something urgent prior to this appointment and it dragged on to 10.30am. Then rushing the discussion with him as he needed to be somewhere in a few minutes. The first question he asked, "Are you fine with the arrangement?". My respond was, "Huh". I just could not digest what was the subject. The he started to explain further and I said yes.

With that 'yes', I have just committed myself to the biggest responsibility ever that I had to carry. Oh my. Only God knows how pressured I feel right now. But it is time for me to get out of my comfort zone and be out there. It is also a measure of how much value I have added to myself. Just need to work even harder.

Then later in the day, my boss asked me, "What just happened?". Then I found out the target of 3 months just disappeared. It shows that you can plan to a certain extend but at the end of the day, everything comes to what has already spelled out for you. The boss asked me to find out why did it happen? So tomorrow will be CSI mode.

So basically I have not contributed much but I felt every exhausted. This is still puzzling me. *sigh*


Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Mixed Feelings

Got the news that I have been waiting for. The news of having the opportunity in making an impact outside of my comfort zone.These are basically the feelings I felt when I received the news:

The feeling is like the world is mine. I made a small victory dance in the toilet to avoid people seeing the freak show.

I will be leaving on Hari Raya Eve. This will be my second year not celebrating this festival with my family due to work.

Not able to meet people's high expectation and tarnishing the good name of my organization as this is such a high profile project.

I am not sure how to react actually with all this mixed feelings. Maybe I will try to take it easy and just inhale this good news and except the fact that God has created an opportunity for me to make an impact.

Anyhow, I will definitely give 200% of myself into this. I need to start working now.


Monday, July 20, 2009

I Am Torn

The saying is that, "Always give your best". Well sometimes it can bite you in the ass.

Giving it my all is always what I try to give in work. However, by doing so the expectations of people is so damn high that they start to think that you have no limitations. At the end of the day, I am only human. Therefore it is very stressful to be in this position.

The alternative is not to give it all. Make yourself not dependable and people will definitely leave you alone. But this is not acceptable as you are not fulfilling the responsibility given and how will you get the blessing from the Almighty?

So, what is the best way to handle this. Maybe as middle road, the word NO would be very useful. This is only useful if you have already identified what is the limitation that you have. With that you will be able to make sound decisions.

This is something that I believe we could work on together.


Sunday, July 19, 2009

First Entry

This would be one of the moments that I would scream out loud, "What were you thinking?". This would be my second blog. The first was created in 2005 when I was posted in Bintulu. However due to some 'timing' issues, it seems to be forgotten and I believe should have been discontinued.

So why the second try? I am not sure actually but as the title of this blog is "My Therapy Session", it is actually my therapy session. This is because I have difficulties in releasing and expressing my emotions. I tend to suppress everything until to the extend of I just feel like exploding. The stress is getting to me as it is showing from the inability to fit comfortably in my clothes.

Damn! What an opening statement? The entry will be just me expressing myself. I am not sure if anyone will pick it up, but at the end of the day, it is for me.