Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Delayed Rage

(background music courtesy of Beyonce - Halo)

I have this issue of really knowing to express my anger in a much healthier way. Therefore I have something that what I call as 'delayed rage'. Out of the sudden when my suppression mechanism is not working maybe due to tiredness, overwhelm with work or etc, the things that I have suppressed will start to boil-off.

So yesterday was one of those days. Apparently when you suppressed a month worth of rage, you basically can become almost insane and tiring. I am still recovering from this emotional tiredness.

(background music courtesy of Kelly Clarkson - Already Gone)

I am the type of person where it is easy to suppress the rage as I am afraid that somebody will get offended. But I know that this is not healthy. The only way is to release it. But how do you release the anger without offending anyone? That is the difficult part.

What can I do is to throw my conscience to the wind and hope the universe will answer back.


Sunday, July 26, 2009

Another Weekend....

This weekend is not much different from any other weekend. Woke up, may or may not go for breakfast, brunch maybe, sit at home watching TV series or DVDs and wait for anyone to call for some outdoor activity. It is so freaking routine that the thought of committing suicide came across my mind a few times (kidding!).

When the thought of doing work i.e. actually office work would bring me out of my misery is the only way out of this tiredness, it shows that I am too long in this place. I need to 'refresh' myself.

I wonder when will the time come for me to get out of this routine? Just pray that it will come soon.


Saturday, July 25, 2009

Another BBQ in Bintulu

Another successful BBQ in Bintulu. This would be my second BBQ this week as the first was done last weekend. It is pretty tiring but the payback is priceless. Each BBQ that was organized or co-organized, I never really eat to enjoy the food. This is because I pretty much tired of running here and there to ensure that everything is in order.

I mostly enjoy the company. Although we usually hang out during dinner at the same stall every single night, this will create a new ambiance for socializing. Tonight was no different from any other night. Last week was 'grown up' session. Well this week was when the 'juniors' are also around. So would expect all sorts of character, which was fun to watch.

The climax of the night in every BBQ, is playing charade. This to me is the highlight of staying in Bintulu. You can see all sort of 'suppressed' behaviors start to come out. The shy will bring down the wall and release all inhibitions. But the most entertaining of all, is when they tried act out the scene which damn hilarious.

If people were to ask me what will I remember the most about being in Bintulu, well the answer is pretty simple, having BBQ with friends.



Today struck me as a wake up call. I just realized that I have been procrastinating a lot. Damn! I will be off soon for a month and it would be very bitchy of me if I just let go of the work. So today I made a list of things need to be finished before I left.

Was that a regretful decision! The list never seems to end. So this calls for the categorizing of the things into:
  1. Urgent/Important
  2. Urgent/Not Important
  3. Not Urgent/Important
  4. Neither
(I believe that is how they categorize it)

Any how, there are a lot of things that I need deliver but little time to spare.

(so what are you waiting for??!!)

The important thing is to start right now slowly but surely. As this goes, the momentum will start to pick up. So stop blogging and start working.


Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Crazy Crazy Crazy

Today was a hectic day although God knows what I have been doing.

It all started with the same routine of going to the morning meeting to update on the progress of this project I am attached to. Then went back to my workstation and saw this email from the GM's secretary saying that he urgently wanted to see me. At this moment in time the thing that went through my mind was, "Did I screw up anything?".

The appointment was at 9.30am. Unfortunately he had something urgent prior to this appointment and it dragged on to 10.30am. Then rushing the discussion with him as he needed to be somewhere in a few minutes. The first question he asked, "Are you fine with the arrangement?". My respond was, "Huh". I just could not digest what was the subject. The he started to explain further and I said yes.

With that 'yes', I have just committed myself to the biggest responsibility ever that I had to carry. Oh my. Only God knows how pressured I feel right now. But it is time for me to get out of my comfort zone and be out there. It is also a measure of how much value I have added to myself. Just need to work even harder.

Then later in the day, my boss asked me, "What just happened?". Then I found out the target of 3 months just disappeared. It shows that you can plan to a certain extend but at the end of the day, everything comes to what has already spelled out for you. The boss asked me to find out why did it happen? So tomorrow will be CSI mode.

So basically I have not contributed much but I felt every exhausted. This is still puzzling me. *sigh*


Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Mixed Feelings

Got the news that I have been waiting for. The news of having the opportunity in making an impact outside of my comfort zone.These are basically the feelings I felt when I received the news:

The feeling is like the world is mine. I made a small victory dance in the toilet to avoid people seeing the freak show.

I will be leaving on Hari Raya Eve. This will be my second year not celebrating this festival with my family due to work.

Not able to meet people's high expectation and tarnishing the good name of my organization as this is such a high profile project.

I am not sure how to react actually with all this mixed feelings. Maybe I will try to take it easy and just inhale this good news and except the fact that God has created an opportunity for me to make an impact.

Anyhow, I will definitely give 200% of myself into this. I need to start working now.


Monday, July 20, 2009

I Am Torn

The saying is that, "Always give your best". Well sometimes it can bite you in the ass.

Giving it my all is always what I try to give in work. However, by doing so the expectations of people is so damn high that they start to think that you have no limitations. At the end of the day, I am only human. Therefore it is very stressful to be in this position.

The alternative is not to give it all. Make yourself not dependable and people will definitely leave you alone. But this is not acceptable as you are not fulfilling the responsibility given and how will you get the blessing from the Almighty?

So, what is the best way to handle this. Maybe as middle road, the word NO would be very useful. This is only useful if you have already identified what is the limitation that you have. With that you will be able to make sound decisions.

This is something that I believe we could work on together.


Sunday, July 19, 2009

First Entry

This would be one of the moments that I would scream out loud, "What were you thinking?". This would be my second blog. The first was created in 2005 when I was posted in Bintulu. However due to some 'timing' issues, it seems to be forgotten and I believe should have been discontinued.

So why the second try? I am not sure actually but as the title of this blog is "My Therapy Session", it is actually my therapy session. This is because I have difficulties in releasing and expressing my emotions. I tend to suppress everything until to the extend of I just feel like exploding. The stress is getting to me as it is showing from the inability to fit comfortably in my clothes.

Damn! What an opening statement? The entry will be just me expressing myself. I am not sure if anyone will pick it up, but at the end of the day, it is for me.